A common problem when doing writing task 2 is with the organisation of ideas into paragraphs. Often there are too many paragraphs and/ or too many ideas that are not clearly grouped under a main idea or theme. This will mean that your essay will not be good in terms of Coherence & Cohesion.
Below is an example of an essay from a student that is very good in terms of vocabulary and grammar but where the ideas are not well organised into 2 or 3 body paragraphs.
Essay Example: Governments should invest more money in protecting areas of natural beauty. To what extent do you agree?
I totally agree that governments should invest more money in protecting the environment. More than that, I strongly believe that first of all it relates to the most developed and richest countries, which I assume have a greater impact on our planet’s environment.
It is no secret that hundreds of species including animals and plants have become endangered in the past decades since the technological advance gathered pace. Some of them have even become extinct.
Being reckless about our planet’s natural resources has become a thing of the past. People, companies, and world leaders are increasingly more concerned about the human footprint on nature and its inhabitants.
Our planet is incredibly beautiful and to preserve these unique, pristine places of natural beauty is our duty to future generations and ourselves.
Cutting down trees, draining of natural water bodies and many other industrial activities are among those that should be closely monitored by governments.
Every country has its own nature reserves and places of natural beauty. Russia, my home country, due to its large territory and diverse climatic zones has an enormous number of them. Lake Baikal is one of the most famous. It has a fifth of all the freshwater on Earth. New campsites and guest houses are growing fast on the shores of the lake, which of course has its negative effect. This is due, among other things, to the weakening of the legal protection of the lake. It is a mere example of some government’s unwillingness to take more action in protecting its nature.
To conclude, I agree 100% that governments should spend more money in preserving its places of natural beauty because in my opinion it’s the investments that are sure to pay off.
There are so many ideas in this essay. Here’s a list of them in the order they appear in the essay:
The riches and most developed countries have the greatest impact on the environment and so should spend more on protecting it
Technological advances have led to many animal and plant species becoming endangered or extinct
Today, people and companies are much more concerned with the environment
It is our duty to protect the planet for future generations
Various industrial activities require government regulation
Example of destruction of the environment at Lake Baikal
Weak legal protection leads to the overexploitation and destruction of areas of natural beauty
So, many good ideas, but how can we organise them into 2 or 3 body paragraphs? Here’s my suggestion:
Body Paragraph 1:
Technological advances have led to many animal and plant species becoming endangered or extinct
Various industrial activities require government regulation
Body Paragraph 2:
Example of destruction of the environment at Lake Baikal
Weak legal protection leads to the overexploitation and destruction of areas of natural beauty
Body Paragraph 3:
It is our duty to protect the planet for future generations, especially in rich countries that can afford to spend more on environmental protection.
Today, people and companies are much more concerned with the environment
The riches and most developed countries have the greatest impact on the environment and so should spend more on protecting it
But, we still need a main idea for each body paragraph, which we should put in the first sentence (the topic sentence). How about these?:
Body Paragraph 1: Because of the development of modern technology and the increasing speed of development the environment is at greater risk of destruction than ever before, so there is more need for government regulation to protect it.
Body Paragraph 2: In addition, we now exploit areas of natural beauty more quickly than ever before.
Body Paragraph 3: Being reckless about our planet’s natural resources has become a thing of the past. People, companies, and world leaders are increasingly more concerned about the human footprint on nature and its inhabitants.
Note: I was able to use part of the original essay directly as the topic sentence for BP3.
Now, I’ll put that all together into a new version of the essay that will score a high band not only for vocabulary and grammar (like the first), but also for coherence and cohesion:
There is a belief among a growing number of people that governments should spend more on protecting the natural world. I totally agree that governments should invest more money in protecting the environment. More than that, I strongly believe that first of all it relates to the most technologically developed and richest countries, which I assume have a greater impact on our planet’s environment.
Because of the development of modern technology and the increasing speed of development, the environment is at greater risk of damage and destruction than ever before, so there is more need for government regulation to protect it. It is no secret that hundreds of species including animals and plants have become endangered in the past decades since the technological advance gathered pace. Some of them have even become extinct. Cutting down trees, the draining of natural water bodies and many other industrial activities are among those that now take place on an enormous scale.
In addition, we now exploit areas of natural beauty more quickly than ever before. Take for example, Lake Baikal, which has a fifth of all the freshwater on Earth. New campsites and guest houses are growing fast on the shores of the lake, which of course has its negative effect.This is due, among other things, to the weakening of the legal protection of the lake. Thus, it’s essential for governments to become more involved in protecting the environment and greater investment is needed to do this.
Being reckless about our planet’s natural resources has become a thing of the past. People, companies, and world leaders are increasingly more concerned about the human footprint on nature and its inhabitants. Our planet is incredibly beautiful and to preserve these unique, pristine places of natural beauty is our duty to future generations and ourselves. Governments, as representatives of their people, therefore have the obligation to increase investment in protection of the environment and ensure that areas of natural beauty, such as Lake Baikal, are saved for our children, grandchildren and the people who come after them.
To conclude, I agree 100% that governments should spend more money in preserving its places of natural beauty and the environment in general, because our technology has become so powerful that damage and destruction now happens faster and on a larger scale. People now demand more action, and the governments should therefore fulfil their obligations to take it.
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